


The Words He Wanted To Say

by AnnieSand16



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abused Dean, Abusive John Winchester, Angel Castiel, Angst, Boys Kissing, Castiel Loves Dean, Castiel Sings, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Comforting Castiel, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dean Has Self-Worth Issues, Dean Loves Castiel, Declarations Of Love, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, He just can't say it, Human Dean, Hurt Dean Winchester, Kissing, M/M, Musical References, One Shot, Scared Dean, Sexual Abuse, Sweet Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-07
Updated: 2014-11-07
Packaged: 2018-02-24 10:36:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2578496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnieSand16/pseuds/AnnieSand16
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel loves Dean more than anything, and Dean feels the same way. He just can't make himself say it out loud. And the nightmares of his past continue to haunt him.</p><p> </p><p>  <i>Dean shuddered in fear and disgust. But Dad wanted him to say it... His voice cracked with another sob. “I love you too.”</i></p><p> </p><p>(I'm so sorry. I suck at summaries... I promise the work is better!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Words He Wanted To Say

Gentle lips ghosted over Dean’s forehead. Soft hands caressed his jaw as gently as though they were holding a priceless treasure. And to Cas, Dean was priceless.

Dean adored Cas. He loved him, though he could never manage to say it out loud. The angel meant the world to him. He was the only thing in the world that Dean truly cared about besides his family.

It had been six months since Dean had finally admitted this to himself. He had tried for so long to squash the budding feelings for Cas, but eventually they overpowered his denial.

Castiel kissed Dean’s cheek, drawing him from his thoughts and back to the present. Dean sighed and relaxed into Cas’s chest, letting him stroke through his hair slowly.

“I love you, Dean.” The words were so quiet that he almost didn’t hear them. Cas cherished Dean so much, and Dean couldn’t even bring himself to say it back to him.

He tried sometimes by showing him as much as he could. He would bring Cas a bacon cheeseburger once in a while (even if he didn’t need to eat, technically, he still enjoyed them). Dean let Cas change the radio station when they drove down the road despite his ‘shotgun shuts his cakehole’ rule, and if Cas wanted to watch a sappy romance movie Dean would suffer through it with him. Dean even shared his pie with the angel, and Dean never shared with anyone. Not even Sammy.

But he still couldn’t say it. Three little words, and Dean just couldn’t spit them out.

 

_A rough, calloused hand lifted Dean’s shirt away from his back and rubbed up and down his spine. He frantically reached for his knife, but another hand caught his wrist. “Shhh. Shhh, it’s just me, Dean. Just Dad.”_

_Dean relaxed under the familiar voice. The hand rubbed small circles in Dean’s shoulders. Dean loved when his father paid attention to him. He craved the affection that normal kids got every day._

_But even Dean’s need for love didn’t mask the smell of whiskey._

 

Dean’s body stiffened slightly as Cas ran his hands down Dean’s arms to circle his waist. The hands gently rested on his hips and kneaded a soothing pattern into his skin. The angel’s lips paused in their trail of kisses down Dean’s neck sensing his discomfort.

“Dean? Are you all right?”

He silently willed his body to relax once again. This was Castiel. He didn’t have to worry. Dean nodded, not quite able to make words come out yet.

The angel lightly placed his pink, slightly chapped lips on Dean’s, a silent promise of his love.

 

_Fiery agony blazed through Dean’s body. Suddenly a huge hand muffled the pitiful scream that ripped through the young boy’s throat. He felt like he would tear in two, and with every thrust the burn seemed to increase. Snippets of sentences hit Dean’s ears as he was violated._

_“So tight…take it like a man…such a good boy…so proud...that’s it.”_

_And suddenly Dean felt his father’s grip tighten almost unbearably on his hip and around his mouth as a horrible slime painted the inside of his body white._

_The hand around his face loosened after what seemed like an eternity, and Dean’s sobs echoed through the room like gunshots._

_“Fuck, Dean. You don’t know what you do to me,” the man said stroking the boy’s sweat-soaked hair. “You’re so beautiful, so good for me. I love you, Dean. This was just to show you how much I love you. Say it…Tell me you love me too.”_

_Dean shuddered in fear and disgust. But Dad wanted him to say it. It would make him happy. All Dean had ever wanted to do was please Dad, to make him happy, to maybe be worth something in the man’s eyes._

_His voice cracked with another sob. “I love you too.”_

 

Tears suddenly sprung to Dean’s eyes and he tore himself away from Cas. He scrambled across the bed, breath coming out in short gasps.

Cas’s deep blue eyes shone with concern as he stood up. “Dean. Dean, what’s wrong? What did I do?”

Dean tugged at his hair not wanting to look at Cas. It wasn’t his fault. “Cas, no, you didn’t do anything,” he muttered into his hands. “I just…I just need a minute.”

Castiel silently sat at the end of the bed, graciously giving Dean the space he needed. Eventually his heart stopped racing and his chest could fully expand so that he could take full breaths.

His watery green eyes slowly moved up to meet sharp blue. The concern and love so evident on Cas’s face that it made Dean sick to his stomach. The fact that Dean caused Castiel to worry so much made him want to run away. The angel didn’t deserve to have to deal with such a broken shell of a man like him.

“Dean.”

Cas said his name with such reverence and love, it was like there was no other word in existence that meant more to him.

The angel slowly slid closer to him until he was sitting right beside Dean. A soft hand reached out and took Dean’s in a warm grasp. “Dean, I don’t know why you’re upset, but I want you to know that I am here for you, and I love you."

Streams flowed over the hunter’s cheeks as he let himself lean into Cas’s shoulder. He allowed the angel’s arms to wrap around his shoulders protectively as Dean cried.

“Cas- I.. I’m sorry! I just, I can’t- I don’t d-deserve you,” he stuttered brokenly.

Castiel firmly pushed Dean to where they were both laying close together on the bed. Dean buried his head into the man’s chest, and was briefly aware of Cas’s body shifting as he pulled a thick blanket over them.

It was quiet in the room for some time before Castiel chose to speak. “Dean. You deserve all the happiness in the world. If I don’t make you happy, I swear I’ll le--”

“No!” Dean gasped tightening his grip on the angel’s shirt, “God no, Cas. Please don’t leave me!” he mewled.

Gentle hands stroked the back of his head. “No, Dean, I won’t. I promise.”

Dean felt like he owed Castiel some sort of explanation. He took a deep breath and the words started to pour out. “I meant, you don’t…y-you shouldn’t have to put up with me. You’re so perfect, and I’m so broken. You don’t deserve to have to deal with me. Cas, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I’m not good enough. I-”

He was silenced by those perfect pink lips pushing onto his ever so softly. After a moment Cas pulled away and stared directly into Dean’s eyes. “Stop it, Dean. You are not broken. You are the strongest man I know. You do so much good in the world, how could you ever believe you are not good enough?” He planted another kiss right between Dean’s eyebrows. “You are perfect to me, and I love you.”

Dean relaxed into the curves of Castiel’s body and let the angel’s love and warmth flow through him. Was it really true? Did Cas really believe all that stuff? Dean had never heard him lie about anything before. Maybe…

“Cas. I…I l-lo…” He tried. He really did. But no matter how true it was, he couldn’t force the words out. All he could see when he tried was his dad and all the pain he had caused Dean. He couldn’t admit that he loved Castiel, because if he did, it would open him up and make him vulnerable and weak.

“Shhh…I know. I know, Dean. You don’t have to say it. I understand.”

After Dean settled into Cas’s chest, the angel started softly singing to Dean. He didn’t recognize it, but it was beautiful.

_“When you cried, I’d wipe away all of your tears._

_When you screamed, I’d fight away all of your fears._

_And I held your hand through all of these years._

_But you still have all of me.”_

As Cas gently massaged Dean’s shoulders as he sang and Dean shuddered for a moment, the touch bringing that first night to the surface of his thoughts.

NO! Damn it, he would NOT let his life be ruled by a terrible memory! He violently forced the image of his father away and focused on Castiel.

Soon all he could think about was how much the angel truly loved Dean, despite his flaws. It was evident through his soft words, his loving gestures, and the looks of adoration he gave to the hunter.

He started another song. This one was just as beautiful as the last.

_“They say before you start a war,_

_You better know what you’re fighting for._

_Well, baby, you are all that I adore,_

_If love is what you need, a soldier I will be.”_

Castiel continued his soft crooning. He switched songs so many times that Dean lost count, but every single one was perfect, and beautiful, and demonstrated Cas’s love for him. Soon Dean’s eyes drooped under the weight of sleep.

But he had to let him know. It was now or never. Cas deserved this. He could do it.

Dean took in a deep breath and buried his face into the crook of Castiel’s neck.

“Cas, I-I love you,” he whispered with a small hitch in his voice.

He had done it. After half a year of being with the love of his life, he had finally found the courage to tell Cas just how much he meant to Dean. Their love was enough to overpower Dean’s dark history and the fears that came with it. It was pure, and perfect, just like his angel. Just like Castiel.

The angel’s hand gently lifted his head to where Cas could look at Dean. He looked so proud and happy that Dean couldn’t help but give him a small smile.

“And I love you, Dean Winchester,” he said reverently against Dean’s lips.

**Author's Note:**

> The songs included in this piece in order are "My Immortal" by Evanescence and "Angel With a Shotgun" by The Cab. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!!! I would love to hear what you thought of it, so comment below! I'll beg if I have to :) Please??


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